How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
