last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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