I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
