WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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