There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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