Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
