were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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