my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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