apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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