I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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