I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
