Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
