i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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