Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
