i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
