i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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