you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i think im in europe. pls send help
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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