This is not my ceiling
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
