How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
