god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
