I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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