i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
