I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
