I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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