soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
