Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
