shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
