I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
