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On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
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