who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success