I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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