I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
