I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
