Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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