I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
