in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
