she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
