If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
