If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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