i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
