I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
