then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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