In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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