fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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