there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
