There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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