don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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