your parents love me but you hate me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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