he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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