what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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