I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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