He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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