Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it's not cheating when I paid for it
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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