Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
