Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
