I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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