i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
