guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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