there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
