Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
