I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize