i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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