I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
