If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
