Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
