If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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